Recently, I've spiralled out of control. I try to seem 'normal' & happy chappy to those around me, but who am I trying to kid?
Truth is, I think I'm going crazy. And not the good crazy.

I feel like my life is one of those horror films - where you start off with the tragic ending & then show the events of that one person's life in the lead up to the grand finale.
I don't know how it started off, or how it's going to end, but I have a good idea.
I know it can't be true, but what else, or who else, could it be? I feel like I'm being used, betrayed, lied to... every single moment of my fucking life. I feel like my life is one big fucking lie. And if this is true, this outcome I'm thinking of, I don't know how the heck I'd cope with it. You may as well kill me now... it'll hurt less.

I don't know what to think, who to trust, where to go - can I just give in now? Because, seriously, I can't take much more pain. I hope it's not you; that's what I'll be praying to God for as I go to sleep tonight... please don't let it be you.

I'm insecure, crazy, sleepless.
I'm insane, doubtful, crying.
I'm Steph.

Just read my blog from start to finish... I sound like an idiot.
God help me.

Apologies to people who had to read that, I am so, so sorry.
But, I guess we all un-idiot ourselves at some point in our lives. I hope I've un-idioted myself. If not, please slap me.


Love, hugs and kisses;
Steph
xo

Over eeeeeet. :)

I don't care about you and what happens to you from here on in.

If you're crying, I will not comfort you.

If you're laughing, I will not join in.

If you try to talk to me, okay, I will talk to you... because I am a nice person. But that is no sign of friendship, of starting over. This is the end.

If you're bitching, I will laugh at you... because you are so low, you are scum.

If you don't know who you are, wow.

You made promises, you broke them.

You said one thing, did the other.

You put on a scene because you need the attention... I'm over it.

Your life is a non-stop drama, and everything HAS to revolve around you - I'm not going to be dragged into your mess again.

I'm over having to look after you, over being your "pet", over you.

Goodbye bitch,

Have fun.

:)

P.S: I am not just saying this over the internet, I will say it to your face... I've already said it to your face - so save yourself the venting sesh... no one wants to hear your whining.

Wow. It's been a while....

So, hey!

I haven't been on in a long, looooong time. And I apologise.

There's just been so much going on in my life... school, assignments, relationships (both romantic & friendships), arguments, tears, mental breakdowns, thinking (and lots of it!), writing, family feuds, haircuts, and the daily dramas that seem to be attracted to me & my life for some odd reason...

Before I go onto something out of this world and rant on about shit that is very irrelevant (since it is 12:31am, a school night, and I can't sleep 'cause I did so after school..), I just wanna take a moment to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)

I hope 2010 is a great year for you, your friends, family, loved ones in general, & pets (they have feelings too!)

I hope 2010 is a year where your wildest dreams come true.

I know that for me, 2010 is a new year... a new start. I'm starting off fresh, facing all my challenges head on, take up every opportunity that presents itself to me, make many, many risks, & I can't wait for what's in store!

So, anyways... hmm. What's been going on in the World of Steph?

Well, today school started again for the year. Might I add... today was the most horrible & depressing day of the year so far. It was just simply awful. (And arriving home didn't make it any better... only worse.)

I found out by a source close to me (and yes, I am going all media gossipy on you, and I am sorry.) that all I am is a jealous, emotional & very hypocritical asshole. I guess that made me think... after buckets of tears, self-loathing & countless tissues.

I don't know what to think of myself anymore. I seem to just keep getting worse.

Good news... I met my TWON (my unrelated twin) 40 minutes into New Years. Made my night.

Other good news... I might be going to America for the July holidays. I just need to beg my mum. BEG WITH MY LIFE! I need to gooooooooo.

More good news... I'm avoiding Facebook & Twitter atm, & I am surprisingly succeeding.

So, yeah...

I'm guessing y'all just wanna hear about my "failure of a love life", huh?

Well, I realised in the holidays.. I never actually "loved" him. It was simply the inner-workings of my stubborn & very clumsy head. I never had feelings for him, I made them up... I guess? I over-exaggerated? Who knows. I obviously don't.

I went to school day & had a reality check. As I looked at him, I realised... a) he is ugly. As in butt ugly. b) he is not worth it. c) he is FARRRR from perfect. d) he is so up himself, it's ridiculous. e) he thinks he is God's gift to women. f) he is vomit-worthy. g) to fight over him was stupid... obviously you're not my friend if you wanna fight over that THING. h) I think I've said enough... but I can criticise some more if you want? Maybe not.... let's save the guy a bit of slack.

Also, I can't help & notice how a simple 7-8 week holiday can do to people. People came back to school, changed. I'm not gonna comment on any particular person/s... but wow. I guess it's out with the old, in with the new... huh?

I hate school. I hate crying. I hate having wasted breath on someone sooooo not worth it. I hate "friends". I hate hating shit.

Gahhh, what to talk about now? I seriously cannot sleep.

Oh, I wanna comment on some political shit that's been going down in Australia the last couple of days. But maybe another time... 'cause I'll end up writing a cadrillion-paged essay & you'll probably get all bored. LOL. What can I say? I am a very passionate person....

So, atm... I'm listening to McFly & just thinking... about everything. What else is there to think about at this hour?

I don't know if I'm delirious.

I don't know if I'm out of it.

The answer would most probably be "yeah".

"There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did. There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye. When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside."

Sorry.

So, I am so over it now. I am over everything. I'm over school. I'm over trying. I'm over trying to please people. I'm over it all.

I hate thinking... I wish it would stop. I hate being emotional... I hope that would stop too.

But I guess you have to sit & wait for those type of things. Unless you take the easy road out, which I'm not even considering anymore.

But yeah, I don't know what to write about.. and I know I made no sense. I am really sorry. I promise to update some more, & I promise to write them when I'm not in this kind of mental state. Actually, I can't make any promises, in fear I'd break them.

But yeah,

I guess it's goodbye for now then?

Well, the tab says '(21) Twitter/Home', so I might go & refresh the page, talk a bit & then I'm off to bed.

So yeah...

Goodnight & goodbye... well for now anyways.

- Steph;

xoxo

P.S: I love you.

One thing before I go to bed (at 4:51am)....

Austin,

I love you.

Insanely.

Thankyou for being there for me.

For entering my life.

I've never been happier.

I love you. <3

Love,

- Steph <3

xoxo

What should I call this? "Falling Into You" it shall be... :)

Seeing you and her for the first time
Now that made me sick.
I watched as you talked to her those sweet words or was it just jackshit?
Both your eyes locked and I felt miserable.
Shifting uncomfortably for what seemed like an age
as you fondled with that thing of hers that you call hair.
Biting my lip as I ordered my tears to stay put,
I wasn't gonna show no one what I thought.
I hate putting on this pokerface of mine
cos at times, it's just so hard to pull off.
I know you two will be over soon
cos hey! what, nowadays, lasts more than a blue moon?
So why are these tears coming down?
Why is this heart so run down?
Fucking hell, why on earth is it so hard to THINK nowadays without at first thinking of you?
I don't like the idea of you and her together
as she is just out to try and get her hands on whatever is possible.
She isn't the most nicest person ever
and no, she doesn't have a heart of gold.
What she has though, that I wish could be mine,
is that thing you call a heart...
you know, that's big and red and shines in the dark.
I don't think I've said this enough but I declare it at the top of my lungs:
"I love you, I love you, I love you, maybe even until the end of time."
I thought I was over you and planned to kick you in the balls
Instead I fell deeper in this thing they all call love,
the weirdest bit being exactly five minutes after I posted that last blog.
I'm sorry for not being pretty enough,
I'm sorry for not capturing your heart.
I'm sorry for not being game enough,
I'm sorry for being such a tard.
I think God was having a tough day the day He made me
and maybe wasn't feeling generous enough?
Instead of giving me the looks,
he gave me this overenthusiastically loving heart.
No, I'm not proud of it, at times
And no, I'm not trying to rhyme.
I guess it'll never work between me and you
and I guess I'm over crying all those tears.
So please go and love some place else
because PDA's just as well
kill my heart and destroy my soul,
cos living in a world that revolves around you,
is like asking for the kill.

And then I see you round the bend,
you turn and stare at me straight through the lens.
As my heart thumps energetically in its ribcage,
I turn to see who else but that girl standing next to me.
I feel like crying, I feel like letting off at the top of my lungs.
I really do wish I was that girl,
you know, the one that responds to your ear-to-ear grin. I guess she makes you happy. Well good for you.
My heart raced that fast it was just about to EXXXXXPLOOOODDEEEEE!!!




*NB: This isn't a poem. This isn't/wasn't meant to rhyme. Just how I feel at the moment, that is, shit. Haha.

Okay goodnight,
- Steph
xoxo

EXPLICIT USE OF LANGUAGE. DO NOT READ. MAY OFFEND SOME.

FUCK LIFE. FUCK EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING IN IT. FUCK THIS SHIT.

Sorry. I am in a really bad place at the moment. I am suffering from a broken heart. I am suffering from everything. Writing is my only outlet. So too is John Mayer's soothing voice.

So, I'm sitting here whilst tears stream down my face. Whilst I twitter, MSN, listen, write and dreading what is to come next.

Life is so miserable at the moment. Gloomy. Eerie.

I never knew I could love someone the way I did.
I loved him so much.
I loved him unconditionally.
I loved him with everything.
I was holding on by a strand.
So, I loved him, right? And so what does he do in response? He goes and loves someone else for me. He goes and grabs some other girl's heart. Mine isn't good enough for his. Mine isn't healthy enough for me. I'm not good enough for him.

Why bother?
Seriously, why bother to live life? Why bother love someone to such an extent it almost kills you? Why bother do anything? Seriously, all life does isn't in our favour. All life does is push us back. And no, there is no mattress, no safety mat behind us. It knocks us to the ground. And boy does it hurt. Life hates me. life hates everything I do in order to enhance it, make it better. Life wants me to suffer.

And if you thought that love is enough to break someone's heart or to worsen someone's day/life, think again. So, today I didn't go to school. Actually it was yesterday since it's after midnight right now. But yeah, I didn't go. Wasn't present. Suffered from hayfever. And what do I find out at the conclusion of the day? That being absent a day from school involves ALOT of DRAMA. Something I absolutely hate with a passion. Drama. The word just makes me shudder with dread, with hatred.
So, I found out that for senior retreat we get to choose the four people that we bunk with. The problem - there are six people in our friendship group. And what does one of them decide to do? She decides to play boss and decides that me and Kristen can go and find other friends to be with. Um, excuse me? Beg your pardon? If I was there she wouldn't have uttered a fucking syllable. The bitch. She would've been scared that my "fully sick" cousins will hunt her down and kill her. Haha.
But seriously, what kind of a person does she pass herself off to be? Who does she think she is? You know what? I told Alex this before but I'm gonna repeat my plan... I think she should go and hike Mt. Everest. By the time she is finished the course of all our lives will be over and so too will retreat. There. Problem solved. :P
But seriously, how dare she! How dare she make up the groups minds. How dare she become a cold-blooded, ignorant and stubborn person in the space of a minute. But you know what? Dare she become a non-friend in a split second. There. :)

So yeah, life sucks. I've gotten use to it. I've also gotten use to this tears that make their way down my face. Also the drama that involuntarily enters and leaves my life. I'm so over all of this. And no, I'm not gonna go commit suicide. That is just stupid. That shouldn't even be a last resort. I don't have it as bad as the children in Africa, as the homeless living on the city streets.

I'll just have to overcome all this. Just as I've overcome everything else in my life, I'm gonna overcome this hurdle.

Goodbye to love. Goodbye to friendship (not entirely - just one person). Goodbye to ignorance and idleness. Goodbye to these tears. Goodbye to life.

Hello to optimism. Hello to GENUINE smiles. Hello to optimism. Hello to new friends. Hello to Mr. Darcy. Hello to achieving my dreams. Hello to activism. Hello to life.

But this won't be achieved overnight. This won't be achieved in two days, three, four, a week, month, year. This will take a long time. First it's gonna feel worse then this, I'll probably sink further into the Earth, further than what I've done or think is possible. Then stuff will gradually become better. And then I'll shoot off. To another dimension, another world. I will be on a roll. :)

So, yeah... Boy, you know what? I'll continue loving you. I'll continue to patch up my wounded heart. I'll continue with my life. I will eventually come to the realisation that you were so not worth it. And that part will hurt. I will realise and then I shall slap myself silly for believing in you. If you don't like me for me, if you don't think I'm good enough, if you don't think or feel the same way then FUCK OFF! I hate changing myself for you. You're an idiot. You're a senseless, cold jerk. I shouldn't have wasted my time on you.

So, bye to you. Bye to everything that resembled the old me. I am gonna go to bed soon a new me. :)

Okay, sorry for the insanely LONG blog tonight, was feeling rather shit. Better now.

Okay, off to Twitter a bit more and then I will pray to God.
Goodnight to all, to you "boy", the so-called "friend" and most especially, goodbye to the old me.
Love you all, thanks for putting up with me.
Love,
- Steph
xoxo

P.S: I swallowed my iron tablet today! As in I actually SWALLOWED it!!! I usually chew on it but today, I proved myself wrong.. I can do it! :)