Hi.
How are we all?
I miss blogging. I was blogging daily, never missed a day. And then my net decided to stuff up and then what happened? I couldn’t blog. Stupid net.
So right now, I’m watching The Notebook, bawling my eyes out to the beat of “Unforgiven” by FeFe Dobson, attempting religion study guides and blogging. As the words “Where were you the first time someone broke my heart? Where were you when I first learned to drive a car? Where were you when I plugged in my first guitar? It's too late for I'm sorry…” ring in my ear and as Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling play the loved up couple from heaven, I let out a tear for every time you lied to me, I let out a tear for every time you broke my heart, I let out a tear for every time you made me laugh, every time you told me it was alright, every time you comforted me, you dried my tears, you danced with me, you serenaded me. I let out a tear for every time you loved me. Loved me for me and not that plastic, buxom blonde you see in all the magazines. And yes, combined they are many tears.
So yeah, I guess you really haven’t escaped my mind. I guess you still hold a special place in my heart. I guess you still have me pulled in to your beauty.
“And I want you to know that I didn't need you anyway. And this rope that we walk on is swaying. And the ties that bind us they will never ever fray. But I want for you to know… you are, you are unforgiven, unforgiven, unforgiven, unforgiven, unforgiven...” This song has been on over and over. This song has been my life for a while now. Liyah thanks for reminding me about FeFe. :)
One thing before I continue… This blog is pre-written. It is 11:13pm right now and I am waiting for after midnight when the net will probably work. I think it has something to do with the on-peak and off-peak thing. Hold on a sec, my favourite scene of ALL TIME is playing. This movie really knows how to drain the tears from me. The scene is the one where they row out onto the lake with all the birds swimming and they feed them and it is just beautiful. It also is the scene before they make love. So yeah… Gah, I really wish I was Rachel McAdams… lucky girl!
I wish my life was based around this film. I wish I had Ally’s life. I wish I had a man like Noah. Wow, I sound so lame. I sound so sad. But it is true, I wish my life was The Notebook. I wish my life was filled with romance and adventure. I wish I was as pretty as Rachel McAdams. I wish I could row over a lake with Ryan Gosling feeding the birds. I just wish. I dream. But I will never get. I will never achieve.
Why do I bother? My dreams are out to get me. I should really stop dreaming. Wishing. Aspiring. Stop being ambitious. My dreams only have one outcome… to hurt me, to grind me into a nothing, to make these tears never stop. I stop having dreams and aspirations. I should give up. I’ve come this far, I can always turn back around and continue down Loser Avenue. I will take the road most travelled by.
I’m afraid of rejection. I refrain from doing my best, from auditioning, from expressing myself too much, from loving someone excessively and expressing it, because I fear rejection. I abstain from following my heart most the time, from grabbing opportunities by the throat as they come because I want to prevent the rejection part of it all. It will never work out. How can I live my life afraid of rejection? It is inevitable, bound to happen. So do I spend my whole life in the dark, afraid? How else do I “live” it? I want to feel alive, I want to chase my dreams and catch them, I want the chance to love with my whole heart and not be afraid to show it. I want it real bad. But I will never be good enough. A big opportunity passed me just yesterday. I cried. Like I’m crying now, I cried.
Okay, I guess I just let out a stifled laugh. The Crunchy Nut ad just came on. You know, the one where there are two elderly men in a hospital and whilst one is sleeping, the other got out of bed and went to cover him with the blanket, giving the illusion that he died. So when the nurse came in with breakfast guess who got the whole box of Crunchy Nut? Okay, I guess I just chuckled to myself. It really is funny. :)
No. I know what’s about to happen. I don’t want it to happen. No, they can’t. Please don’t die. Please just gain back your health and memory and live happily ever after. Please don’t die. Wow, I have a serious problem. I shouldn’t talk in movies, I shouldn’t be crying like I am right now. But I can’t help it. I’m thinking… way too much. I really can’t help it.
I have so much on my mind. The Notebook, FeFe Dobson, love, dreams, body image, tomorrow’s kitchen tea, the fact that Ally and Noah are about to die, music, music, music. Music preoccupies my mind. 24/7. No, they died! I can’t take it. I’m a mess. I believe my heart is gonna fail on me right here, right now. This is so sad. Depressing. Miserable. Gloomy. Love. *Deep breath*
I need to write a song. Very soon, I need to write a song. Haven’t wrote one in a week. And I guess I am in the best mindset to do so. I guess I have enough inspiration for like five songs! If I write though, they will end up pretty messed up songs. But who cares. My music is who I am. My music is everything to me. I care more for music than I do my life, my family, my school, my relationships, everything. I breathe music. Music lives in the depths of my soul, in the burrows of my heart, in the pits of my mind. Music runs through my veins. Music controls me, consumes me, and is every part of me. Music is me. Music is how I express myself, let off steam, celebrate, kick back and relax, and is how I see myself. And all those dance parties…. :) Music simply is the world to me.
Okay, I guess I should probably stop now. This is getting way to deep. And I have written almost two full pages in Microsoft Word. And besides, it’s just after 12 now so I’ll see if it’ll work. But I guess its goodbye for now. Shall blog tomorrow, when hopefully I will be in better shape emotionally. Anyways, now it’s time to check if the net works. *fingers crossed* :)
All my love,
- Steph
xoxo
P.S: What perfect timing… I finished my blog and so did the movie. Spooky. Okay, well goodnight fellow bloggers, shall post soon. (tonight hopefully :))
0 comments:
Post a Comment