I haven't been on in a long, looooong time. And I apologise.
There's just been so much going on in my life... school, assignments, relationships (both romantic & friendships), arguments, tears, mental breakdowns, thinking (and lots of it!), writing, family feuds, haircuts, and the daily dramas that seem to be attracted to me & my life for some odd reason...
Before I go onto something out of this world and rant on about shit that is very irrelevant (since it is 12:31am, a school night, and I can't sleep 'cause I did so after school..), I just wanna take a moment to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)
I hope 2010 is a great year for you, your friends, family, loved ones in general, & pets (they have feelings too!)
I hope 2010 is a year where your wildest dreams come true.
I know that for me, 2010 is a new year... a new start. I'm starting off fresh, facing all my challenges head on, take up every opportunity that presents itself to me, make many, many risks, & I can't wait for what's in store!
So, anyways... hmm. What's been going on in the World of Steph?
Well, today school started again for the year. Might I add... today was the most horrible & depressing day of the year so far. It was just simply awful. (And arriving home didn't make it any better... only worse.)
I found out by a source close to me (and yes, I am going all media gossipy on you, and I am sorry.) that all I am is a jealous, emotional & very hypocritical asshole. I guess that made me think... after buckets of tears, self-loathing & countless tissues.
I don't know what to think of myself anymore. I seem to just keep getting worse.
Good news... I met my TWON (my unrelated twin) 40 minutes into New Years. Made my night.
Other good news... I might be going to America for the July holidays. I just need to beg my mum. BEG WITH MY LIFE! I need to gooooooooo.
More good news... I'm avoiding Facebook & Twitter atm, & I am surprisingly succeeding.
So, yeah...
I'm guessing y'all just wanna hear about my "failure of a love life", huh?
Well, I realised in the holidays.. I never actually "loved" him. It was simply the inner-workings of my stubborn & very clumsy head. I never had feelings for him, I made them up... I guess? I over-exaggerated? Who knows. I obviously don't.
I went to school day & had a reality check. As I looked at him, I realised... a) he is ugly. As in butt ugly. b) he is not worth it. c) he is FARRRR from perfect. d) he is so up himself, it's ridiculous. e) he thinks he is God's gift to women. f) he is vomit-worthy. g) to fight over him was stupid... obviously you're not my friend if you wanna fight over that THING. h) I think I've said enough... but I can criticise some more if you want? Maybe not.... let's save the guy a bit of slack.
Also, I can't help & notice how a simple 7-8 week holiday can do to people. People came back to school, changed. I'm not gonna comment on any particular person/s... but wow. I guess it's out with the old, in with the new... huh?
I hate school. I hate crying. I hate having wasted breath on someone sooooo not worth it. I hate "friends". I hate hating shit.
Gahhh, what to talk about now? I seriously cannot sleep.
Oh, I wanna comment on some political shit that's been going down in Australia the last couple of days. But maybe another time... 'cause I'll end up writing a cadrillion-paged essay & you'll probably get all bored. LOL. What can I say? I am a very passionate person....
So, atm... I'm listening to McFly & just thinking... about everything. What else is there to think about at this hour?
I don't know if I'm delirious.
I don't know if I'm out of it.
The answer would most probably be "yeah".
"There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did. There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye. When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside."
Sorry.
So, I am so over it now. I am over everything. I'm over school. I'm over trying. I'm over trying to please people. I'm over it all.
I hate thinking... I wish it would stop. I hate being emotional... I hope that would stop too.
But I guess you have to sit & wait for those type of things. Unless you take the easy road out, which I'm not even considering anymore.
But yeah, I don't know what to write about.. and I know I made no sense. I am really sorry. I promise to update some more, & I promise to write them when I'm not in this kind of mental state. Actually, I can't make any promises, in fear I'd break them.
But yeah,
I guess it's goodbye for now then?
Well, the tab says '(21) Twitter/Home', so I might go & refresh the page, talk a bit & then I'm off to bed.
So yeah...
Goodnight & goodbye... well for now anyways.
- Steph;
xoxo
P.S: I love you.
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