metaphor.

2010-08-10T09:22:00.001-07:00

Recently, I've spiralled out of control. I try to seem 'normal' & happy chappy to those around me, but who am I trying to kid?
Truth is, I think I'm going crazy. And not the good crazy.

I feel like my life is one of those horror films - where you start off with the tragic ending & then show the events of that one person's life in the lead up to the grand finale.
I don't know how it started off, or how it's going to end, but I have a good idea.
I know it can't be true, but what else, or who else, could it be? I feel like I'm being used, betrayed, lied to... every single moment of my fucking life. I feel like my life is one big fucking lie. And if this is true, this outcome I'm thinking of, I don't know how the heck I'd cope with it. You may as well kill me now... it'll hurt less.

I don't know what to think, who to trust, where to go - can I just give in now? Because, seriously, I can't take much more pain. I hope it's not you; that's what I'll be praying to God for as I go to sleep tonight... please don't let it be you.

I'm insecure, crazy, sleepless.
I'm insane, doubtful, crying.
I'm Steph.

2010-08-09T06:45:00.001-07:00

Just read my blog from start to finish... I sound like an idiot.
God help me.

Apologies to people who had to read that, I am so, so sorry.
But, I guess we all un-idiot ourselves at some point in our lives. I hope I've un-idioted myself. If not, please slap me.

Love, hugs and kisses;
Steph
xo

Over eeeeeet. :)

2010-04-23T00:57:00.000-07:00

I don't care about you and what happens to you from here on in.

If you're crying, I will not comfort you.

If you're laughing, I will not join in.

If you try to talk to me, okay, I will talk to you... because I am a nice person. But that is no sign of friendship, of starting over. This is the end.

If you're bitching, I will laugh at you... because you are so low, you are scum.

If you don't know who you are, wow.

You made promises, you broke them.

You said one thing, did the other.

You put on a scene because you need the attention... I'm over it.

Your life is a non-stop drama, and everything HAS to revolve around you - I'm not going to be dragged into your mess again.

I'm over having to look after you, over being your "pet", over you.

Goodbye bitch,

Have fun.

P.S: I am not just saying this over the internet, I will say it to your face... I've already said it to your face - so save yourself the venting sesh... no one wants to hear your whining.

Wow. It's been a while....

2010-01-28T05:27:00.001-08:00

So, hey!

I haven't been on in a long, looooong time. And I apologise.

There's just been so much going on in my life... school, assignments, relationships (both romantic & friendships), arguments, tears, mental breakdowns, thinking (and lots of it!), writing, family feuds, haircuts, and the daily dramas that seem to be attracted to me & my life for some odd reason...

Before I go onto something out of this world and rant on about shit that is very irrelevant (since it is 12:31am, a school night, and I can't sleep 'cause I did so after school..), I just wanna take a moment to wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)

I hope 2010 is a great year for you, your friends, family, loved ones in general, & pets (they have feelings too!)

I hope 2010 is a year where your wildest dreams come true.

I know that for me, 2010 is a new year... a new start. I'm starting off fresh, facing all my challenges head on, take up every opportunity that presents itself to me, make many, many risks, & I can't wait for what's in store!

So, anyways... hmm. What's been going on in the World of Steph?

Well, today school started again for the year. Might I add... today was the most horrible & depressing day of the year so far. It was just simply awful. (And arriving home didn't make it any better... only worse.)

I found out by a source close to me (and yes, I am going all media gossipy on you, and I am sorry.) that all I am is a jealous, emotional & very hypocritical asshole. I guess that made me think... after buckets of tears, self-loathing & countless tissues.

I don't know what to think of myself anymore. I seem to just keep getting worse.

Good news... I met my TWON (my unrelated twin) 40 minutes into New Years. Made my night.

Other good news... I might be going to America for the July holidays. I just need to beg my mum. BEG WITH MY LIFE! I need to gooooooooo.

More good news... I'm avoiding Facebook & Twitter atm, & I am surprisingly succeeding.

So, yeah...

I'm guessing y'all just wanna hear about my "failure of a love life", huh?

Well, I realised in the holidays.. I never actually "loved" him. It was simply the inner-workings of my stubborn & very clumsy head. I never had feelings for him, I made them up... I guess? I over-exaggerated? Who knows. I obviously don't.

I went to school day & had a reality check. As I looked at him, I realised... a) he is ugly. As in butt ugly. b) he is not worth it. c) he is FARRRR from perfect. d) he is so up himself, it's ridiculous. e) he thinks he is God's gift to women. f) he is vomit-worthy. g) to fight over him was stupid... obviously you're not my friend if you wanna fight over that THING. h) I think I've said enough... but I can criticise some more if you want? Maybe not.... let's save the guy a bit of slack.

Also, I can't help & notice how a simple 7-8 week holiday can do to people. People came back to school, changed. I'm not gonna comment on any particular person/s... but wow. I guess it's out with the old, in with the new... huh?

I hate school. I hate crying. I hate having wasted breath on someone sooooo not worth it. I hate "friends". I hate hating shit.

Gahhh, what to talk about now? I seriously cannot sleep.

Oh, I wanna comment on some political shit that's been going down in Australia the last couple of days. But maybe another time... 'cause I'll end up writing a cadrillion-paged essay & you'll probably get all bored. LOL. What can I say? I am a very passionate person....

So, atm... I'm listening to McFly & just thinking... about everything. What else is there to think about at this hour?

I don't know if I'm delirious.

I don't know if I'm out of it.

The answer would most probably be "yeah".

"There's this girl in the mirror, I wonder who she is. Sometimes I think I know her and sometimes I wish I did. There is a story in her eyes, lullabies, and goodbye. When she's looking back at me I can tell...she's hurting inside."

Sorry.

So, I am so over it now. I am over everything. I'm over school. I'm over trying. I'm over trying to please people. I'm over it all.

I hate thinking... I wish it would stop. I hate being emotional... I hope that would stop too.

But I guess you have to sit & wait for those type of things. Unless you take the easy road out, which I'm not even considering anymore.

But yeah, I don't know what to write about.. and I know I made no sense. I am really sorry. I promise to update some more, & I promise to write them when I'm not in this kind of mental state. Actually, I can't make any promises, in fear I'd break them.

But yeah,

I guess it's goodbye for now then?

Well, the tab says '(21) Twitter/Home', so I might go & refresh the page, talk a bit & then I'm off to bed.

So yeah...

Goodnight & goodbye... well for now anyways.

- Steph;

xoxo

P.S: I love you.

One thing before I go to bed (at 4:51am)....

2009-10-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

Austin,

I love you.

Insanely.

Thankyou for being there for me.

For entering my life.

I've never been happier.

I love you. <3

Love,

- Steph <3

xoxo

What should I call this? "Falling Into You" it shall be... :)

2009-09-14T06:06:00.000-07:00

Seeing you and her for the first time
Now that made me sick.
I watched as you talked to her those sweet words or was it just jackshit?
Both your eyes locked and I felt miserable.
Shifting uncomfortably for what seemed like an age
as you fondled with that thing of hers that you call hair.
Biting my lip as I ordered my tears to stay put,
I wasn't gonna show no one what I thought.
I hate putting on this pokerface of mine
cos at times, it's just so hard to pull off.
I know you two will be over soon
cos hey! what, nowadays, lasts more than a blue moon?
So why are these tears coming down?
Why is this heart so run down?
Fucking hell, why on earth is it so hard to THINK nowadays without at first thinking of you?
I don't like the idea of you and her together
as she is just out to try and get her hands on whatever is possible.
She isn't the most nicest person ever
and no, she doesn't have a heart of gold.
What she has though, that I wish could be mine,
is that thing you call a heart...
you know, that's big and red and shines in the dark.
I don't think I've said this enough but I declare it at the top of my lungs:
"I love you, I love you, I love you, maybe even until the end of time."
I thought I was over you and planned to kick you in the balls
Instead I fell deeper in this thing they all call love,
the weirdest bit being exactly five minutes after I posted that last blog.
I'm sorry for not being pretty enough,
I'm sorry for not capturing your heart.
I'm sorry for not being game enough,
I'm sorry for being such a tard.
I think God was having a tough day the day He made me
and maybe wasn't feeling generous enough?
Instead of giving me the looks,
he gave me this overenthusiastically loving heart.
No, I'm not proud of it, at times
And no, I'm not trying to rhyme.
I guess it'll never work between me and you
and I guess I'm over crying all those tears.
So please go and love some place else
because PDA's just as well
kill my heart and destroy my soul,
cos living in a world that revolves around you,
is like asking for the kill.

And then I see you round the bend,
you turn and stare at me straight through the lens.
As my heart thumps energetically in its ribcage,
I turn to see who else but that girl standing next to me.
I feel like crying, I feel like letting off at the top of my lungs.
I really do wish I was that girl,
you know, the one that responds to your ear-to-ear grin. I guess she makes you happy. Well good for you.
My heart raced that fast it was just about to EXXXXXPLOOOODDEEEEE!!!

*NB: This isn't a poem. This isn't/wasn't meant to rhyme. Just how I feel at the moment, that is, shit. Haha.

Okay goodnight,
- Steph
xoxo

EXPLICIT USE OF LANGUAGE. DO NOT READ. MAY OFFEND SOME.

2009-09-10T06:53:00.000-07:00

FUCK LIFE. FUCK EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING IN IT. FUCK THIS SHIT.

Sorry. I am in a really bad place at the moment. I am suffering from a broken heart. I am suffering from everything. Writing is my only outlet. So too is John Mayer's soothing voice.

So, I'm sitting here whilst tears stream down my face. Whilst I twitter, MSN, listen, write and dreading what is to come next.

Life is so miserable at the moment. Gloomy. Eerie.

I never knew I could love someone the way I did.
I loved him so much.
I loved him unconditionally.
I loved him with everything.
I was holding on by a strand.
So, I loved him, right? And so what does he do in response? He goes and loves someone else for me. He goes and grabs some other girl's heart. Mine isn't good enough for his. Mine isn't healthy enough for me. I'm not good enough for him.

Why bother?
Seriously, why bother to live life? Why bother love someone to such an extent it almost kills you? Why bother do anything? Seriously, all life does isn't in our favour. All life does is push us back. And no, there is no mattress, no safety mat behind us. It knocks us to the ground. And boy does it hurt. Life hates me. life hates everything I do in order to enhance it, make it better. Life wants me to suffer.

And if you thought that love is enough to break someone's heart or to worsen someone's day/life, think again. So, today I didn't go to school. Actually it was yesterday since it's after midnight right now. But yeah, I didn't go. Wasn't present. Suffered from hayfever. And what do I find out at the conclusion of the day? That being absent a day from school involves ALOT of DRAMA. Something I absolutely hate with a passion. Drama. The word just makes me shudder with dread, with hatred.
So, I found out that for senior retreat we get to choose the four people that we bunk with. The problem - there are six people in our friendship group. And what does one of them decide to do? She decides to play boss and decides that me and Kristen can go and find other friends to be with. Um, excuse me? Beg your pardon? If I was there she wouldn't have uttered a fucking syllable. The bitch. She would've been scared that my "fully sick" cousins will hunt her down and kill her. Haha.
But seriously, what kind of a person does she pass herself off to be? Who does she think she is? You know what? I told Alex this before but I'm gonna repeat my plan... I think she should go and hike Mt. Everest. By the time she is finished the course of all our lives will be over and so too will retreat. There. Problem solved. :P
But seriously, how dare she! How dare she make up the groups minds. How dare she become a cold-blooded, ignorant and stubborn person in the space of a minute. But you know what? Dare she become a non-friend in a split second. There. :)

So yeah, life sucks. I've gotten use to it. I've also gotten use to this tears that make their way down my face. Also the drama that involuntarily enters and leaves my life. I'm so over all of this. And no, I'm not gonna go commit suicide. That is just stupid. That shouldn't even be a last resort. I don't have it as bad as the children in Africa, as the homeless living on the city streets.

I'll just have to overcome all this. Just as I've overcome everything else in my life, I'm gonna overcome this hurdle.

Goodbye to love. Goodbye to friendship (not entirely - just one person). Goodbye to ignorance and idleness. Goodbye to these tears. Goodbye to life.

Hello to optimism. Hello to GENUINE smiles. Hello to optimism. Hello to new friends. Hello to Mr. Darcy. Hello to achieving my dreams. Hello to activism. Hello to life.

But this won't be achieved overnight. This won't be achieved in two days, three, four, a week, month, year. This will take a long time. First it's gonna feel worse then this, I'll probably sink further into the Earth, further than what I've done or think is possible. Then stuff will gradually become better. And then I'll shoot off. To another dimension, another world. I will be on a roll. :)

So, yeah... Boy, you know what? I'll continue loving you. I'll continue to patch up my wounded heart. I'll continue with my life. I will eventually come to the realisation that you were so not worth it. And that part will hurt. I will realise and then I shall slap myself silly for believing in you. If you don't like me for me, if you don't think I'm good enough, if you don't think or feel the same way then FUCK OFF! I hate changing myself for you. You're an idiot. You're a senseless, cold jerk. I shouldn't have wasted my time on you.

So, bye to you. Bye to everything that resembled the old me. I am gonna go to bed soon a new me. :)

Okay, sorry for the insanely LONG blog tonight, was feeling rather shit. Better now.

Okay, off to Twitter a bit more and then I will pray to God.
Goodnight to all, to you "boy", the so-called "friend" and most especially, goodbye to the old me.
Love you all, thanks for putting up with me.
Love,
- Steph
xoxo

P.S: I swallowed my iron tablet today! As in I actually SWALLOWED it!!! I usually chew on it but today, I proved myself wrong.. I can do it! :)

Life sucks. You get used to it...

2009-09-06T04:19:00.000-07:00

Promises are meant to be broken
Tears are meant to be shed
Dreams are meant to come crashing down
and after hope comes dread.
People are going to be mean
and hearts are going to break.
You're going to be disappointed
Only so much can you take.
People will come and go
and friends will stab your back.
Guys will never understand
and all hell is a promised fact.
This is just the usual thing
You'll experience bit by bit
But something I've already learned...
Life sucks, you get used to it...

Moody...

2009-09-06T00:31:00.000-07:00

Having the shittiest day in the history of mankind.
I think it could possibly be a hangover from the events played out yesterday.
Now that was a shitty day.
Oh well, not in the mood to write excessively (I know, weird) as I am trying to finish this ridiculous English assessment that should be taking me no time to complete, by 6:30pm. It's 5:30pm now. Don't think I am gonna get there...

Oh well. Shall do my best.
As always, Twitter is acting as a MAJOR DISTRACTION. MSN not as much. That is because I'm not in the best mood to talk to anyone. Besides, when have I been in the mood to talk to anyone? I just reply when they initiate a conversation and then I'd revive the conversation every once in a while.

Anyway, I think I shall get back to finishing this stupid thing, I still have to complete my Modern 500 word response that is gonna kill me too. 500 words isn't that much, aye? Try having word vomit symptoms EVERYDAY and then you'd know where I'm coming from. :)

Okay, I'm off before I write some BETTER WRITTEN version of the Twilight series. Hahahaha, I am so lame.

okay, bye for now, might post later.
WOOOO! Second post today, YAY! Have never posted two in a day... I'm on a roll!! :D

Love,
- Steph
xoxo

The Colour Of My Love - Celine Dion :'(

2009-09-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'll paint my mood in shades of blue
Paint my soul to be with you
I'll sketch your lips in shaded tones
Draw your mouth to my own

I'll draw your arms around my waist
Then all doubt I shall erase
I'll paint the rain that softly lands on your wind-blown hair

I'll trace a hand to wipe out your tears
A look to calm your fears
A silhouette of dark and light
While we hold each other oh so tight

I'll paint a sun to warm your heart
Swearing that we'll never part
That's the colour of my love

I'll paint the truth
Show how I feel
Try to make you completely real
I'll use a brush so light and fine
To draw you close and make you mine

I'll paint a sun to warm your heart
Swearing that we'll never part
That's the colour of my love

I'll draw the years all passing by
So much to learn so much to try

And with this ring our lives will start
Swearing that we'll never part
I offer what you cannot buy
Devoted love until we die

^
|
|
|
The most beautiful song I have ever heard from the woman whom I love the most!
Had this on repeat all night. Slept so peacefully yet I woke up with tears in my eyes. I want to show you the colour of my love. <3

:'( I just can't get over you, it's intoxicating.

2009-08-29T02:32:00.000-07:00

As I sat here I was trying to think of all the times you hurt me and made me cry, hoping and wishing it would make me like you less. But it didn't. Never does. Because all the times I could remember were the ones when you showed me that you cared... I didn't want to believe that you ever did, but yeah, you did. You walk by me everyday and say "hello". Everyday you take time out to listen to me. You talk to me, smile at me, laugh with me, and have fun with me. Well, I talk, smile and laugh too, but inside I'm hurting. Deep down it hurts to be with you because I love you and you are only a friend.

I love you. I hope you can see that.

:'(

Short but sweet :)

2009-08-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

I can't get you off my mind no matter how much I try...
Am I going crazy? Delusional? Mentally unstable (schzo)?
I don't know and I don't care, all I know is that I am fully and deeply in love with you.
I hate keeping your identity a secret but then again, if people knew there'd be war and conflict and I'm just not ready for that at the moment. Also, what happens if you reject me? Pull my infatuated, everloving heart out of me and stomp on it like you just don't care? What happens then? Actually, I think I like the idea of keeping you a secret... although I would appreciate your love and attention....

Okay, I did promise short and sweet... I should learn not to write the title of the blog before the thing itself.
Oh well.

Alrighty, nightie night cyber space. Goodnight my love.
Shall keep you posted.
Love,
- Steph
xoxo

Finally...

2009-08-26T01:23:00.000-07:00

Finally.

Wow, that was so much effort. Finally the net works. Finally I get to BLOG!
Miss blogging. Sorry for not keeping up daily. :(

Hmm... Life is so crap, eh?
It truly is.
Why won't he get out of my mind? Why won't friends be friends? Why won't everything just fall into place?
Everyone says, "Steph, that's life" but is it? Is it really?

I thought I threw him out. I thought I hurt him. No. Clearly not. (P.S: Alex, I'm not talking about that David guy anymore... He I have gotten over. He, in my opinion, is a total dick.)
Instead I threw my heart out onto the everwelcoming cold, wet pavement outside. I stepped on it, squashed the passion out of it. I hurt myself. My plan backfired. Damn boomerangs.

My soul has been deprived of it's life. I need my life back. I need a life. Desperately.

The only thing I live by, the only way I survive are the paperbacks in my room. The ones that inspire me. The ones that make me want to go all gaga and want a fantasy life. The ones that make me want Prince Charming to come earlier than expected. I know I'm sad but without them I don't know how I could've survived. That and my music. (I'm not gonna rant on about how much music means to me, inspires me and stuff. I get a tad boring and repetitive.)

Why can't life be simple? No complications attached. Why can't life go to plan? No more heartache when it comes to achieving your dreams.

Gah.

Okay, I know it's coming... gahhhhhhh... sorry....

I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him more than the raindrops that slide down my window. That glisten in the sun.
I love him more than the trees that give me life.
I love him more than the birds that sing their sweet lullabies when I wake.
I love him more than Twitter itself. (And that my friends, is A LOT!)
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him more than a lot of things in my life.
But not more than music. Never more than music.

But I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

I'm not going to reveal his identity. He shall remain anonymous. But then again if you pay close attention to me you'd know who it is.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

WOOOOOOOOO! Going crazyyyy... which isn't a good thing... :/

I want him, I need him, I love him. x8997897675645433323122334456786879080709

So, yeah. So sorry for yet another love blog... shall change the topic...

'Siren' by Tara Moss CAME OUT TODAY! WOOOO! I need it! Another paperback to add to the collection. I can't wait to have the book in my hands. I can't wait to fall in love with the story. I can't wait to get my much-needed, long-awaited dose of Tara Moss. She is genius. I can't wait to fall in love, to want to change my life, to dream. Based on a book. A story. And yeah...

So life is good... not.

I hate friends that are 'friends'... so-called friends. I hate 'friends' that talk behind your back, spread rumours about you, do everything in their power to put you down and hurt you. I hate 'friends' in general. :(

I'm listening to 'The Gift Of A Friend' by Demi Lovato and am crying. I ALWAYS cry when I listen to this song. So emotional. I find it emotional as such because I have never had someone like that. Never had a friend that SIMPLE. I wish I did. :( Life is good, eh? It's so awesome and worth our time, eh?

Gahhhhh...

Taylor Swift JUST posted on Twitter!!!!!!!!!!! "I want some Craisins."

I am sooo depressed at the moment it's not funny. Cue news feature on models and being skinny. Perfect timing. Nice work Today Tonight. Great, I feel better. Not.

Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Okay, you know what? I'm off. If I continue I'm either gonna end up a mess or rant on about stuff I don't wanna say. So yeah, I guess it's goodbye for now and I hope I come back tomorrow... PLEASE WORK! :)

Love you all!
- Steph
xoxo

Finally get it up at 1:07am... Grrrr....

2009-08-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

Hi.
How are we all?
I miss blogging. I was blogging daily, never missed a day. And then my net decided to stuff up and then what happened? I couldn’t blog. Stupid net.

So right now, I’m watching The Notebook, bawling my eyes out to the beat of “Unforgiven” by FeFe Dobson, attempting religion study guides and blogging. As the words “Where were you the first time someone broke my heart? Where were you when I first learned to drive a car? Where were you when I plugged in my first guitar? It's too late for I'm sorry…” ring in my ear and as Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling play the loved up couple from heaven, I let out a tear for every time you lied to me, I let out a tear for every time you broke my heart, I let out a tear for every time you made me laugh, every time you told me it was alright, every time you comforted me, you dried my tears, you danced with me, you serenaded me. I let out a tear for every time you loved me. Loved me for me and not that plastic, buxom blonde you see in all the magazines. And yes, combined they are many tears.

So yeah, I guess you really haven’t escaped my mind. I guess you still hold a special place in my heart. I guess you still have me pulled in to your beauty.

“And I want you to know that I didn't need you anyway. And this rope that we walk on is swaying. And the ties that bind us they will never ever fray. But I want for you to know… you are, you are unforgiven, unforgiven, unforgiven, unforgiven, unforgiven...” This song has been on over and over. This song has been my life for a while now. Liyah thanks for reminding me about FeFe. :)

One thing before I continue… This blog is pre-written. It is 11:13pm right now and I am waiting for after midnight when the net will probably work. I think it has something to do with the on-peak and off-peak thing. Hold on a sec, my favourite scene of ALL TIME is playing. This movie really knows how to drain the tears from me. The scene is the one where they row out onto the lake with all the birds swimming and they feed them and it is just beautiful. It also is the scene before they make love. So yeah… Gah, I really wish I was Rachel McAdams… lucky girl!

I wish my life was based around this film. I wish I had Ally’s life. I wish I had a man like Noah. Wow, I sound so lame. I sound so sad. But it is true, I wish my life was The Notebook. I wish my life was filled with romance and adventure. I wish I was as pretty as Rachel McAdams. I wish I could row over a lake with Ryan Gosling feeding the birds. I just wish. I dream. But I will never get. I will never achieve.

Why do I bother? My dreams are out to get me. I should really stop dreaming. Wishing. Aspiring. Stop being ambitious. My dreams only have one outcome… to hurt me, to grind me into a nothing, to make these tears never stop. I stop having dreams and aspirations. I should give up. I’ve come this far, I can always turn back around and continue down Loser Avenue. I will take the road most travelled by.

I’m afraid of rejection. I refrain from doing my best, from auditioning, from expressing myself too much, from loving someone excessively and expressing it, because I fear rejection. I abstain from following my heart most the time, from grabbing opportunities by the throat as they come because I want to prevent the rejection part of it all. It will never work out. How can I live my life afraid of rejection? It is inevitable, bound to happen. So do I spend my whole life in the dark, afraid? How else do I “live” it? I want to feel alive, I want to chase my dreams and catch them, I want the chance to love with my whole heart and not be afraid to show it. I want it real bad. But I will never be good enough. A big opportunity passed me just yesterday. I cried. Like I’m crying now, I cried.

Okay, I guess I just let out a stifled laugh. The Crunchy Nut ad just came on. You know, the one where there are two elderly men in a hospital and whilst one is sleeping, the other got out of bed and went to cover him with the blanket, giving the illusion that he died. So when the nurse came in with breakfast guess who got the whole box of Crunchy Nut? Okay, I guess I just chuckled to myself. It really is funny. :)

No. I know what’s about to happen. I don’t want it to happen. No, they can’t. Please don’t die. Please just gain back your health and memory and live happily ever after. Please don’t die. Wow, I have a serious problem. I shouldn’t talk in movies, I shouldn’t be crying like I am right now. But I can’t help it. I’m thinking… way too much. I really can’t help it.

I have so much on my mind. The Notebook, FeFe Dobson, love, dreams, body image, tomorrow’s kitchen tea, the fact that Ally and Noah are about to die, music, music, music. Music preoccupies my mind. 24/7. No, they died! I can’t take it. I’m a mess. I believe my heart is gonna fail on me right here, right now. This is so sad. Depressing. Miserable. Gloomy. Love. *Deep breath*

I need to write a song. Very soon, I need to write a song. Haven’t wrote one in a week. And I guess I am in the best mindset to do so. I guess I have enough inspiration for like five songs! If I write though, they will end up pretty messed up songs. But who cares. My music is who I am. My music is everything to me. I care more for music than I do my life, my family, my school, my relationships, everything. I breathe music. Music lives in the depths of my soul, in the burrows of my heart, in the pits of my mind. Music runs through my veins. Music controls me, consumes me, and is every part of me. Music is me. Music is how I express myself, let off steam, celebrate, kick back and relax, and is how I see myself. And all those dance parties…. :) Music simply is the world to me.

Okay, I guess I should probably stop now. This is getting way to deep. And I have written almost two full pages in Microsoft Word. And besides, it’s just after 12 now so I’ll see if it’ll work. But I guess its goodbye for now. Shall blog tomorrow, when hopefully I will be in better shape emotionally. Anyways, now it’s time to check if the net works. *fingers crossed* :)

All my love,
- Steph
xoxo
P.S: What perfect timing… I finished my blog and so did the movie. Spooky. Okay, well goodnight fellow bloggers, shall post soon. (tonight hopefully :))

WOOOOOOO!!!! ECONOMICS IS DONNNEEEEE!!!!!!

2009-08-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Let's PARTYYYY!!!!

WOOOOOO!!!!

Economics JUST completed and it's ONLY 1:45am... :D

WOOOOO!!! No more assignments for this week!!!! But I am gonna do Modern on the weekend even though it's due in like two weeks... I'm not doing this again! haha.

This one almost killed me. Seriously. Slowly. And it was killing me. Gahhh.

I need sleep. But I feel like I can pull an all nighter now because ECONOMICS IS COMPLETED!!!! :DDDDDD

Hmm... probably should get some sleep, eh? Or Twitter... Hmm...
:P
You know which one I'm gonna choose lol.

Okay, goodnight peeps.
Sweet dreams.
Love,
- Steph
xoxo

WOOOOOO!!! Religion's D.O.N.E.!!!!!!

2009-08-18T08:11:00.000-07:00

OMG! JUST finished my religion assignment! Praise the Lord that it is done!
It's now 1:12am and I'm sooo NOT tired... lol.
Haha, pretty ironic considering that I was about to fall asleep basically every second my day today... :D

All good!

Wow. Feels like a load has been shifted off my shoulders... now all I have to do is Economics... due tomorrow! Gahhhh....

Why don't I start these assignments long before the due date? Seriously, I plan study nights and timetables for homework and assignments but I never do them! Grrrr!
For example, take the weekend that just passed... I promised myself that I was gonna FINISH both assignments then... Didn't. Fail. Big red fail.

Haha. I'm distracted quite easily and I may as well be the BIGGEST procrastinator on the face of the earth! Ha. :P

SO, yeahhh....
Right now listenin' to some P!nk and Tweeting my heart out!
I can relax... for a whole 10 hours before the other assignment hits me. :(
ANd I'm guessing that tomorrow I'd be up probably to two or three actually doing it. Geez. I promise and this time I'm SERIOUS. Next time I am going to start assignments ONCE I GET THEM! Starting with Modern... doing that this weekend...

Hmm... watch me fail this plan lol. Haha, no. I shall try MY BEST to stick to it.
Okay, now I'm just ranting on about jack and yeahh... so ima gonna get off blogger and tweet Liyah and Tay... :)))))

Okay, night y'all...
Love,
-Steph
xoxo

RELIGION ASSIGNMENT!!!!!!

2009-08-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

Tired. Bored. RELIGION ASSIGNMENT. gahhhh, you know what? Stuff it. Shall do it tomorrow throughout school, early leave and yeah, hopefully finish when evening rolls by.

Okay, goodnight?

Love,
- Steph
Xoxo

I WANT SLEEP!!!!!!

2009-08-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

Insomniac?

Am I suffering from insomnia?

Please not again.

Gah. I know it's only almost 1am but I feel like I have enough energy in me to last till tomorrow morning!

Stupid self. Stupid energy pills that I took in the morning. Stupid anemia, I laugh in your face. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

I wanna sleep but I can't.

Any suggestions on how to sleep?

Gah, I might as watch that hilarious Jonas Brothers video over and over. Or watch some more Dane Cook stand-up. Hmmm...

Or maybe just listen to some classical, Beethoven-esque music and sing myself lullabies?

Grr.. Stupid insomnia!

I WANT TO SLEEP! I WANT TO SLEEP! I WANT TO SLEEP!

Argh, stupid ruby slippers aren't working... Again!

Anyways, ima gonna go and try something. Hope it works.

Love,
- Sleepy Steph
xoxo

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! JOE JONAS' BIRTHDAY!!!!!! :)

2009-08-15T05:36:00.001-07:00

Okay, short blog.

I didn't want to break this 'tradition' of blogging every night so yeahh...
:)

Today is Joe Jonas' BIRTHDAY!!!!! My baby's birthday... ;)

YAYYYY! Been going crazy on Twitter! :P

So yeahh, if you have Twitter please use trends such as #HappyBirthdayJoe and #HappyAnniversaryMamaAndPapaJonas because today is also their anniversary. Also Frankie's film debut was today with 'Ponyo'... Can't wait!!!!! Wow, today was a very busy day in the Jonas household. :))))))

Anyways, sorry bout the Jonas news, just a TAD addicted. :))))

On another topic, I feel good! I've been in a dancy, life-loving mood today!! Good sign! As far as I'm concerned, he can go get stuffed!

Okay, a tad tiredddd... gonna go to bed... :)

Goodnight and back to Twitter! :P

Love always,
- Steph
xoxo

Ranting....

2009-08-14T05:16:00.000-07:00

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as I lived.
- Margaret Mitchell

I've realised...
How can I call it love? Well I can call it 'love' but I won't ever call it 'true love'. Right now I hate you THAT MUCH I'm on the verge of hunting you down and killing you. Gahhh, do you have to be annoying? Cocky? A smart-alec? A MAJOR DICK? A heartbreaker? You may as well go and invest in a career as a hitman. But a hitman that kills, murders, destroys hearts. One that poisons the brain to make them believe you love them, to infatuate their love. You should be behind bars for what you've done. You've committed the biggest crime on the face of the planet. You have broken all laws regarding the human being, the human heart and love. You deserve to serve the maximum time in jail, a life sentence. Better yet have a death penalty against you. That sure would make my life a whole lot EASIER! That way I don't have to look at your perfect face again. Never have to experience your hand holding mine. Never have to develop this crazy thing I have towards you. Never have to meet you. Never have to dream those dreams in which we live happily ever after and the others where we *ahem*.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you more than life itself. I hate you more than you know. I hate you x98897867556435657789778656756! I hate you to the same extent I love Joe Jonas (and that is HUGE!)

So I've managed to express HOW MUCH I hate you, now what?

Oh yeah, don't use my friends to get to me. Please don't. It doesn't work. All you want is to get me bad and it isn't working yet. Go ahead and call all my friends beautiful and hot and whatever you decide impresses them. They think you are a CREEP. A massive creep THAT NEEDS TO GET A LIFE! Just to let you know, you are sad. A sad, sad, SAD boy! You tweet Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and some random girls with 'you are beautiful' tweets every single minute of your waking day.

Do they answer you? No. I was the ONLY one that EVER replied to you.

You make me want to vomit. You make me want to kill myself. Every waking moment with you is torture.

I found out about your past. You think you are a gentleman, eh? You think the tweets you send Miley, Selena and Demi are sweet and nice? How about your tweets when you first started? To Miley you'd write stuff on the lines of "You are a hick. Do you swallow? I bet you do. Come suck my dick." And to Demi stuff like, " You are way to nice and sweet, you just need a little f**king." Are you mentally stable? Are you mentally ill? You need to go to the doctor's and get tested. You are disgusting! You are projectile-worthy. You are sick!

I can't believe I ever uttered a word to you. I should've never said a word. But then again I'd like to thank you for those times because I was able to write THREE songs about you. About how you are a dick. About how you are a man slut. About how you are a THIRTY FIVE OLD! You ARE F**KING HOPELESS! You and your dick "Mr. Princess". (and yes I just named it, ha!)

I don't need you no more. I don't want you no more. I actually don't cry anymore. I can now get some sleep at night because I know you won't be in my dreams no more. I'm so OVER YOU.

Now don't try, EVER, to come near me. DOn't ever try to talk to me on Twitter anymore. DOn't try to reconcile or try to 'make up'. No. No. No. No will always be the answer.

You are now a part of my past. Time to move on. Wow that guy over there is pretty darn GORGEOUS!

For now, farewell. And BLOCK. I don't wanna follow or be followed by a Miley stalker. And I don't want to receive invitations for sex and meeting up because once again, I HAVE A PURITY RING and I'm pretty faithful to it.

I'm gonna get everyone to block you and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

So yeahh, bye. Now get out of my life. For good.

Bye.
Love,
- Steph
xoxo

P.S: Everyone please BLOCK @SPECIALOPERATOR if you have him on Twitter. Thanks. :)
Goodluck mate. I guess no Tim Tams for you. What a shame, I would've liked to call you a 'pump up'. But yeahh, oh well. *sigh* bye, xoxo

Yeah....

2009-08-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

"Forget The Times You Walked By, Forget The Times You've Made Me Cry, Forget The Time You Held My Hand, Forget The Sweet Things If I Can, I Can No Longer Pretend, I Have To Remember Now That You're Just A Friend."

Or are you? You made it clear that you want me no more. That you moved on. That you hate me. Why should I think of you as a friend?

Yes, you made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me vent (at Alex, sorry...), you made me love with my whole heart, you made me spill my biggest secrets to you. But should I call you a friend? After everything?

No. I'm going to move on. I'm going to forget about you and your stupid self. I'm going to stop these tears from falling. I'm going to stop this heart from breaking. I'm going to stop all this feeling and stupidity.

Somehow.

One way or another.

I want to feel nothing. I want to be numb. I am so stupid for falling for you. Stupid to let my emotions show. Stupid to let you get to me. Stupid to let you take control of my heart. Stupid to FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. Darn you and your stupid self. Because of you I cry myself to sleep EVERY NIGHT. Because of you I smile EVERY TIME I see you or a red, red rose lying beautifully on my desk. Because of you I HAVE TO fight the demons that haunt me each night. Because of you I'm afraid to fall asleep in fear that you'll APPEAR IN MY DREAMS (I haven't slept in three days). Because of you I tweet too much. Because of you I blog too much. Because of you I LOVE TOO MUCH. Gee, get out of my life for goodness sake, you're killing me. Softly, slowly, you are killing me.

Please do. Please succeed. Please kill me. Please do anything that will take this pain away. Please do anything to make me feel better. That is your plan after all, right? To make me feel comfortable and safe, to feel no pain? Then do your work already!

Please kiss me. You are the best painkiller. Please hug me. You are the best shield for my heart. Please hold me. You are the cure to all my problems.

So I hate you? But I love you too. How does that work? Do I have a problem? How can I love you to bits but at the same time hate you so much? Gah, this is so confusing!

Does this explain it...?

"Its hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does."

Gah. Whatever.

Yes. My heart won't get over you. But my brain is in You-Are-A-Dick-Get-Lost mode. (Wow. I just found out that it is Thursday. Woah. I am tired)
So, yeah. Please stop this game you're playing, you're losing. I guess I can accept you as a friend only and ONLY if you try to be nice to me and stop this "I'm a cocky, dumb, dickhead" character thing of yours and GET A LIFE. Actually be nice for once, actually respect me again, actually love me for me. You don't have to love me as in girlfriend/boyfriend love, just as in friend love. That is enough for me. Or is it? Gah. I have to stop this stupid head (or heart) of mine from making decisions.

Look, all I want is for respect. If you can respect me, I'll befriend you. Then we can see if we can take it from there. Make it better. Make it more personal. Take it to the next level. Because the truth is, I like you. I like you ALOT. I like you more than I like cheese (and yes, that is ALOT! :P). I know I mention this liking/loving you thing alot but yeahh... :)

The truth is...
I cry every night because of YOU. I laugh because of YOU. I smile because of YOU. I glow from the inside out because of YOU. I miss YOU. I really do. I miss talking to you. I miss our Tim Tam fights and hiking/scuba diving planning. I miss your daily morning tweets that make me feel good, beautiful and better. You turn my frown upside down. You make my heart grow fonder day by day. And now? Well now I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm back to the Steph pre-you. I miss calling you 'NCboy' and you calling me 'hey girl'. I've got to admit, I get a tad jealous when you flirt tweet with Miley, Selena and Demi. I miss when you called me 'the most beautiful girl'. Gah. Can we PLEASE go back to being friends, AT LEAST? I don't want anything more than that, unless you want to? I'd like to be able to talk to you again without feeling bad for whatever I did to you. For that I apologise a million, billion, zillion, cadrillion times over. Just please? If you don't want to be friends, please just tell me so. I'll leave alone, I promise. <3

"I know in reality we can't be together, so I just close my eyes and you're right here with me... in my dreams you're mine forever."

Here We Go Again

2009-08-12T05:46:00.000-07:00

I cry.
I cry.
I cry.

He's not worth my tears.
That's what everyone says.
But I want him. I love him. I'd do anything to have him. ANYTHING.
So yeah, he totally is worth my tears.

I want to hold him tight. I want to hold his hand. Show him what I've wanted since Day One.
I want to kiss his sweet, tender lips. I want to hug him like I hug Mr. Teddy. Give him a part of me each and every time.
I want to greet him with a warm embrace every time he's at my door.
I want to him to drive me crazy all the time. Make me wander the seven continents and sail the seven seas for his love.
I want him. That's all I ask for. I want him.

So, I guess there is only one thing on my Christmas list this year:

Dear Santa,

I would like to have this boy that is sending me CRAZY for Christmas. I promise to be a good girl for all eternity. I promise to do my homework, my chores and obey my parents. But please, all I want for Christmas is him.

Love from,

Steph

xoxo

Easy, eh?
No.

GAHH!!!

He sends me crazy. He drives me up the wall.
I'd do ANYTHING for his love, attention and eyes.

But I guess my URL says it all... I'm just an ordinary girl with big dreams.
Anyways, I guess I'll go and put my lovesick head to rest. Make myself dream about the day when we're in the sunflower field. Deserted. He reaches for my hand. Sparks. He pulls me in and we embrace for all eternity....

The Love Game.

2009-08-11T05:01:00.000-07:00

I love him.

Or do I?

He makes me feel happy.

He makes me feel all crappy.

He plays these games with my head. Flirts with me. He makes it seem like he wants me. Does he? Because I sure do!
I want him. I want him. I want him.
I want him more than anything. I want him more than life itself.
Wow. I'm crazy. Paranoia is taking the better of me. Or is it love?

Gah. He makes me feel so... I don't know? Gooey. Icky. Lovesick. Beautiful.

He makes me beautiful. He makes me seem perfect. He makes me what I have never been.
He makes me feel good.
He makes me seem special. He makes me feel loved.

But he hurts me. Every second of the day. He hurts me and boy does it hurt!
He laughs at me. He points at me and calls me names. He bullies me. He beats the crap out of my soul. Then the next day he treats me with respect. He loves me. He calls me beautiful. He makes me feel good.
And all of a sudden all is forgotton. All the fighting, cursing and idiocy is left behind us.

Does he deserve me? Or should I say that the other way round... do I deserve him?
Gah. This is so confusing.

He loves that I'm crazy. He loves that I get a bit goofy at times. He loves all the little things that make me, well, me. And I couldn't love him any other way.
He thinks I'm CRAZY about the Jonas Brothers and laughs when I scream like a maniac when I hear Joe talk.
He love that I'm just a TAD obsessed with Taylor Swift and sing her songs out loud.
He loves that I love music and occasionally write songs dedicated to him.
He thinks I'm obsessively compulsive and write way too much. He loves that.
He respects the decisions I make.
He begins every letter, note, comment, message with 'Hey Beautiful' (which he laughs when I remind him that it's a title of a Jonas Brothers song).
He respects me as a human.

I couldn't ask for anything or anyone better.

But then the next day...
He thinks I'm annoying when I talk about the Jonas Brothers.
He thinks that Taylor Swift is just another stupid country singer.
He hates reading my LOOOONNNNGGGG messages.
He criticises my decisions.
He begins every letter, note, comment, message with 'I hate you'.
He doesn't respect me.

I cry.

I'm hurt. I'm in pain. My heart aches with every syllable he utters.
No longer do I feel beautiful. Special. No longer am I in heaven. Floating on cloud nine.

I want him. And I want him to want me back. To want me for being me. I want him to be able to love me every second of the day, to not be shy with me around his mates. Push me in the dark when they come.
If you can't then why? Why?

What should I do? I never knew love hurts THIS MUCH. I never knew love takes THIS MUCH EFFORT.

I love you. I hate you.
You are beautiful. You are a dick.
Gah, just say yes for goodness sake.

Thankyou.

Sorry for the rant, yet again.

Love from,
the OJD suffering, self-esteem-less, in love
- Steph
xoxo

P.S: Please don't ask me who this boy is. Please. He'll remain a mystery. To you. And you. And you. And me. I do not know. I will never know him. Because he turned his back on me. He never was honest with me. Never showed me the real him. So I can't tell you who he is. Because even I don't know. Goodnight. <3

A Short Blog...

2009-08-10T07:03:00.000-07:00

I. Hate. Life.

Need I say more?

- Steph
xoxo

It's so hard to believe in happiness...

2009-08-09T05:13:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to believe in happiness....

When I feel like this.

When everything fails and you're left miserable and gray.

When love fails you.

When the only hope that remains of you is in that candle that flickers in the dark. And that too is almost out.

When you are left holding onto the last threads of friendship, family, nothingness.

When you are drowning in pool of nothingness.

When your past comes back to haunt to.

When you're not in NYC at the moment spending that exciting day that you have planned in detail for the past few weeks with Liyah and Taylor.

When you are lost in the dark and have no one to hold your hand.

When you keep having suicidal thoughts.

When the people you trust the most turn their back on you.

When you have the worst family to spend it with.

But most importantly, it's so hard to believe in happiness

When you want him but he doesn't want you.

Happiness is a feeling, love is more than that.

Love is everything.

You feel love,

you breathe it.

you become emotionally attached in love.

you kill it for consuming for.

you hate it.

you gahhh...

it encompasses you.

Basically, you are love.

Not enough words in the thesaurus can describe 'love'.

No dictionary will ever have an accurate definition of 'love'.

Love is something way beyond us.

Without it we cannot live.

So why won't he just call me mine. Just to make me happy. Just to keep me sane.

I love him, I love him, I love him but I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.

I know I don't make sense, but love doesn't make sense.

I wish there was nothing called 'love'. I wish this concept didn't exist.

Without it I'd be okay. Not crazy. Not paranoid. Not hurt.

Without it I'd be normal. Don't we all just want to be normal? But then again what is normal?

Is normal having a size 6 body and double D's? Is normal having a flawless, blemish-free complexion and a trendy style? Is normal being in a cliche at school? Having blonde hair and blue eyes?
Well sorry. Then I'm not normal.

Wow. This has gone way off subject. My blogging has turned into a rant on subjects that I shouldn't be touching. Sorry. I will stop here.

If you have anything to say please don't be afraid to share.

But I'm off to bed. Time to rest this big head of mine. Time to dream about this guy of mine. ;)

Okay, goodnight everyone. Be back tomorrow for yet another attempt at a blog.

Until then,

Love,

-Steph

xoxo

Just something I stumbled on just then...

2009-08-08T06:23:00.000-07:00

I read this just now. I cried. I thought I'd share it with you. Isn't this the perfect man? The Prince Charming we spend our whole life looking for? Wow. I want a man like this. One that treats me good and isn't shy to let the world know that I'm his girl. :)
Enjoy! :')

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her..."

~UNKNOWN

Furious. Frustrated. Fwitter.

2009-08-08T00:36:00.001-07:00

Arghhhh!

Being an overwiter and a Twitter addict does not serve you well when you are me.
Like why 140 characters? Why?
It's gets much more frustrating when you are almost finished with a message that is going to be sent to some celebrity (DEMI!) and you have one word to go and what do you see?

-4

Arghhhhh! FOUR characters over the limit. Geez no biggie, right? Wrong.
That means going back and contracting every word until you see the glorious 0 appear.

e.g.:
From - How are you?
To - How r u?
Doesn't that just annoy you?

I can't stand the contraction of words. I only contract when I have to, if I'm in a rush or if I'm late for school and HAVE to tweet Liyah and Taylor.

SO, yeahh...

Twitter should increase this limit thing.
Why 140 characters? Why not 150 or 200? Geez.

Twitter constraints should disappear.
Twitter constraints should disappear.
Twitter constraints should disappear.

Oh. It didn't work. *glances at the floor ashamed... how pretty are them ruby red slippers?*

Hmm... let's take some advice from Oprah. I'm going to write a letter to Twitter expressing my frustration and anger at this stupid constraint that I have been using for five months now but not post it.

Okay, let's take a whack at this...

Dear Twitter Man/Woman,
Hi.
I would like to express my concern on this 'character constraint' that you have enforced and is the basis of the site's appeal. (I'm beginning to think this was a stupid idea)
So, I was wondering if you could by any chance get rid of this constraint and replace it with either a bigger character limit (150, 200, 250 etc.)or just ban the thing altogether.
Also, I have noticed that you have a 'Twitter limit' (as I have reached this on many occasions... four to be precise) on the number of updates allowed every hour. I think this is quite stupid because it does not benefit people like me who tend to CHRONICALLY tweet. (And yes, I have reached the limit of 100 tweets per hour four times before. What? I have a lot to say!)

Anyways, I hope you take these concerns into consideration and I hope to be seeing some change soon.

Thankyou for your time,
Love,
- Steph
xoxo

Hi.

2009-08-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

Hi.
How are we all?
This is my first post on here so please be nice. :)

So first thing's first, my name is Steph. Hi again. *waves frantically to the screen*

Um, okay. So...

Wow, first time in my life I don't know what to say... or maybe it has something to do with beginning the blog? Meh. Something like that.
Hmm... *in deep thought while listening to 'It's A Girl Thing' by the fabulous Jesse Lee :D*

Well, I hate my parents. And my siblings. And my relatives. Who doesn't? Everyone tells me that it's something I'll outgrow, that it's a phase that EVERY teenager goes through. I don't think so. Look at the Jonas Brothers, for example. They are the face of the 'perfect family'. Okay, I know, I shouldn't be comparing my life or my family to that of the Jonas Brothers, but I can't help it! *sheepish smile*

I wish that my parents divorced. Is that cruel to say? (Prudy Pingleton, Penny's mother in 'Hairspray', would be sprinkling Holy water on me by now and cursing me with a repetitive "devil child, devil child" in an almost hollering manner. And playing prayers on repeat on the walkman radio on the bedside table. Oh and I'd be tied up in rope. Or maybe I'm exaggerating a little?) But I do! They always fight. They always include us, we're ALWAYS in the middle of it all. We, well at least I have been, raised in a really bad environment. I have been through so much. Thanks to my parents. But then again I thank them for introducing me to my love for music. Because I have been traumatised, through a lot and all, I have taken refuge in the art of music. Music has healed me in the tough times. I love music because of my parents. But I still want them to divorce. I want them to stop fighting.
I also want them to stop being so overprotective of me. Seriously. My mum won't let me go to a concert. My dad won't let me go to birthday parties or hang out with boys. And ARGHHHHH, it's so frustrating living with such a family.

My relatives. Because I am of Lebanese background I have a LARGE family. And when I say LARGE I mean LARGE! I have cousins coming in dozens. :P
One thing before I rant off about God knows what (and I am so sorry for this), whatever happened to personal style? Or creating your own style and taste in clothing? Oh wait. I almost forgot. I have a million aunts who's jobs are to create that for me. How can I forget? *note the sarcasm*
Shopping with my aunts and/or parents is a nightmare!
"Try this on!"
"THAT DOESN'T FIT! SHE NEEDS THE SIZE UP!" (Yes, in a scream that the human ear cannot cope with)
"Try this on!"
"Try this on!"
"O.M.G! This will go perfectly with that and that and that!"
"You don't wear it like THAT!"
The everyday conversation that takes place when you are shopping with my family.
And they wonder why I leave them to fuss over shoes in Wanted and pick clothes out for me in Supre.. I. DO. NOT. LIKE. THOSE. STORES!
I. DO. NOT. LIKE. THEM! I. DO. NOT. NEED. ANYMORE. CLOTHES!
Seriously, I have way too many items of clothing in my wardrobe. There are MILLIONS of people around the world that aren't as better off as us. They have minimal clothing. Yet me worry over whether our new cream waistcoat goes with those red Jimmy Choos. Geez. We should be counting our blesses!
So yeahh...

And my brother. Geez. He is the biggest rascal known to mankind. He is a troublemaker. He is a --- GAHHHHHHHH!!!!
And my sister, the annoying one. She asks way to many questions. She'll be a pain in the backside whenever she wants to be. And when that happens, boy does that pain hurt!

My family is crazy. Dysfunctional. Delusional. Horrible. Messed up. Wow, I need a thesaurus!!
But I love my grandma and grandpa. They are the best! <333

And yes. I'll leave it at that. Sorry for the fuming, raging, and chronic over writing (I did warn you!).

Okay.

Talk soon.
Bye.
Goodnight.

Love,
- Steph
xoxo